Truth Telling Ain’t Easy

Grace and peace…

In his book, Be a People Person, John Maxwell tells this story.

Mr. Myrick had to go to Chicago on business and persuaded his brother to take care of his cat during his absence. Though he hated cats, the brother agreed. Upon his return, Myrick called from the airport to check on the cat.

“Your cat died,” the brother reported, then hung up.

Myrick was inconsolable. His grief was magnified by his brother’s insensitivity, so he called again to express his pain.

“There was no need for you to be so blunt,” he said.

“What was I supposed to say?” asked the perplexed brother.

“You could have broken the news gradually,” explained Myrick. “You could have said, ‘The cat was playing on the roof.’ Then, later in the conversation, you could have said, ‘He fell off.’ Then you could have said, ‘He broke his leg.’ Then when I came to pick him up, you could have said, ‘I’m so sorry. You’re cat passed away during the night.’ You’ve got to learn to be more tactful.

“By the way, how’s Mom?

After a long pause, the brother replied, “She’s playing on the roof.”

Maxwell’s story addresses an issue that we all struggle with.  We struggle to be honest, candid straight forward with one another.  We either error on the side of being so blunt that it is perceived as being simply mean spirited or we candy coat the truth to where it is so sweet the person never hears it.

It isn’t like we don’t know what the truth is.  We waste no time telling everybody else what we are not willing to tell the person who needs to hear it.

I spend a good deal of time with couples who are preparing for marriage to help them communicate more honestly.  My first clue that they are afraid to level with one another is when the leave the question blank that read, “The one thing my spouse could improve on is……”

It is amazing to me the number of people who are not willing to put anything down.  Two years into the marriage and they will be asking if they can use the back of the paper to complete their list.

When I push them a bit on their reasons for leaving it blank their first line of response is, “No, really I can’t think of anything.”  Sometime at this point the other person will start creating the list for them – “What about the fact that I am slob, or I don’t like your mother, or I always leave the toilet seat up.”

Yeah, but those things don’t really matter.  Oh really.  You would be surprised on much they matter over the course of a life time.

The first response is denial – there is nothing I would change about you.

The second response is to minimize the truth – “It is no big thing” or “I feel stupid bringing it up.”

The third line of defense is to claim, “I was afraid if I said anything you would be mad or hurt.”

Jim Collins, the author of Good to Great, interviewed Admiral Jim Stockdale, the highest-ranking officer in the Hanoi Hilton prisoner of war camp during the height of the Vietnam War. Regarding the prisoner of war camp, Collins asked Stockdale, “Who didn’t make it out?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” answered Stockdale. “The optimists.”

“The optimists? I don’t understand,” responded Collins.

“The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart. This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

The challenge with all of these responses is that the truth is left unspoken.  The truth is the most precious gem that exists in our lives.  It is why in our scripture lesson today Jesus is described as being full of the truth.  Later in John he is called the way, the life and the truth.  It is John who also reminds us that when we deal with the truth it sets us free.

I grew up with tension around truth telling.  My father taught me, “Son tell it like it is.  Call a spade a spade.  I never give him hell.  I just tell em the truth and think it is hell.”

My mother on the other hand would say, “If you can’t say anything nice it is better not to say anything at all.”

Our Bible Story today offers us a way out of this either or approach to truth telling when we learn that Jesus was full of grace and truth.  This is what St. Paul refers to as speaking the truth in love.  This kind of truth telling is hard work, done with sweaty palms but often yields great results.

I think of the time when Kim mustered up the courage to tell me, “I want you to know what I am about to say is not about blame, guilt or shame.  It is simply a reality.  The girls and I are no longer going to put our lives on hold because of your schedule.  We are going to choose to do things and if you can join us that will be a plus.  If not we will be doing them without you.”

Believe me I heard the truth but I also knew it was gracious truth and that is what made possible for me to hear it.  It also set our marriage free.  And I continue to wrestle with this truth.

Gracious truth telling is done with a tremendous amount of respect and care for the person to who the truth is directed at.  Gracious truth telling is intended to help a person come to grips with their denial or blind spots.   It is not about trying to put the person in their place or a game of power where the truth teller walks away saying, “I really told him.”

What is interesting in our culture is we often pay counselors lots of money to help us either speak the truth or hear the truth.  And what is humorous is when a person spends several months in therapy and then reports to the family some great revelations that the family has spent years trying to tell the guy.

Why didn’t you listen when I told you the same exact thing?

It is not like the boss that I once had who would say, It is clear to me that God clearly understand that what you and I need more than anything is life is to get a full dose of gracious truth.

What is a truth about your life that you need to have graciously dealt with?

What truth is it you need to graciously share with another?

And the word became flesh and dwelt among us full of grace and truth.